Bedtime Blogging 4.14.15

…I wish I could sleep as easily as my furbaby! I swear she can sleep anywhere!

The past two nights I feel like I have been stuck in that place where you know you need to sleep and you are tired but it is impossible to do get your mind to stop racing for more than a few seconds. So I though maybe I should start blogging more often before going to bed, to get some of those pesky thoughts out of my head!

I am working on a post about my frustrations with my job, but for right now I just feel like babbling on a it about random things! I am not sure why, but today was just a really great day for once. I mean, I am definitely tired and need to actually get a good night’s rest (fingers crossed for tonight being better!), but for some reason I just felt really at peace today with everything I did. It wasn’t an eventful day or really anything great happening, but it was one of the best days I have had in awhile.

After sleeping in way too late I awoke to our horribly messy apartment. We went for a mini vacation to Atlantic City (I’ll probably write a post about that- seriously, maybe I really can’t sleep because I have too many words and ideas in my head!) and then went to my parent’s house for Easter and then we busy and the apartment and housework really all fell badly behind. Like, sink overflowing with dishes and honey-we-don’t-have-any-more-clean-plates-or-utensils-to-use behind… It wasn’t good. I really wish I knew why, but doing the dishes just didn’t feel like quite the chore that it usually does. For once my brain wasn’t wandering or worrying or feeling bored. I just… washed dishes. It was nice. Then I vacuumed like a mad woman since my fiance borrowed his parent’s vacuum for us to use (ugh it is definitely frustrating not having our own but we can’t afford to buy one…) so I finally got the floor all clean. Cleaned out the microwave and even scrubbed the kitchen floor. I was on a roll!

I think maybe my mood has been on the upswing lately because I have been making great strides in my minimalizing lately and it makes me feel good and in control of something. We have been in our apartment for almost 3 months now (jeez!) and I am so close to having everything that I own in this small space (which also makes me excited to be able to return to my MIP series!). I got some motivation from my mom wanting to redo my bedroom and wanting to get rid of the dresser in there. So I had to clean that out (there’s another post to write right there, feeling weird about your room not being yours anymore…). And I really did set my goal of wanting to have everything out of my closet and actually in my living space to count for my… well, count! (and another post right there about item accountability! I have so many potential posts to choose from I don’t have any excuses not to write!)- so I have been pretty motivated! I ended up with another 4 large garbage bags of stuff to take to donation.

If my memory is serving me right all I have left at my parent’s is a container of my canning jars, a box of old magazines that I don’t know what to do with, all of my binders of notes from vet tech school (I can’t bring myself to throw them away just yet if for whatever reason I decide to go back to that career), 3 coats, and storing some empty DVD cases and Christmas stuff… I might be missing something, but I think I got most of it. So yeah, everything else I own is with me. I brought a lot of my stuff back with me the last time and am currently going through it. I can’t wait to be done, even though I know it will be a work in progress. It just gets harder and harder though because the point I am at now is one where the things I have left are a bit harder to part with. So my current plan is to let go of what I can, but photograph it and make posts on here about it, so that even though the object is gone I can still have the memories (and that’s what is really important anyway)! And I guess I’ll just go from there and maybe set limits for myself.

So anyway! Back to my day- cleaned a lot and made the place look as sparkling as I could, spent a good deal of time going through things and went through a whole large storage container, and then rearranged my desk a bit. Still a work in progress, but it is turning out nicely! Once I finish this round I will take pictures to show my progress. After my long day of cleaning and de-cluttering, M and I made some dinner and then walked to the library. The weather outside was just perfect. Then we came back, watched the movie and relaxed. And now here I am, awake way too late and blogging!

I just can’t believe how happy it makes me feel to let go of things. How liberating it is to know you really don’t need much of anything to be happy. I am sure these feelings will be tested in the future, but it just feels so good right now and makes me feel so much more at peace. I really have almost everything I need in life and don’t need to bring in new things to bring that feeling. It is already there. I just hope I don’t forget it.

Well I guess that is all for now. Sorry for this random ramble of a post. It was nice to write though and get some thoughts out, plus it helped me come up with a nice list of future post ideas! So that’s good. I hope everyone is doing well!

 

Apartment Living

I have to be honest- my state of mental health kind of took a hit last month after my last post, and I hadn’t really felt up to blogging since. Shortly after my last post I had an interview that, suffice to say, did not go well. As soon as I got there I could tell something was off and that these people did not want me. They basically told me that I would be great at customer service, which, was extra worse to hear for me because part of the appeal of the job was the whole aspect of NOT dealing with people. So hearing I would be good at the opposite when I am really not was a huge blow. I wish they would have just told me they found someone more qualified. I wish they would’ve called or emailed me to tell me that and not wasted my time. It took my awhile to get through the negative feelings. I spent at least a week pretty much moping around feeling pointless and depressed and avoiding as much as possible.

My spirits have been brought up since then and lately have been feeling well enough. I had a job interview last week and will be finding out if I got the position or not sometime today, so I have been trying not to be too anxious about it. I feel much more calm about it. I would be sad if I didn’t get it but I would also feel some relief. If I do get it I will feel some relief but also some anxiety. So either way, it is what it is.

In other news, we have officially been living in our apartment for two months already! I can’t believe how fast time flies! It has definitely been an interesting experience, and a big improvement over our previous living situation to be sure. Having our own space has been great. I tend to have moments of frustration though because of the two of us I am the one who does -basically all of- the cleaning. M pays for the apartment though, so it is the least I can do since I am not paying anything. It just gets tiring for me I think and I just wish that he cared about it as much as I do.  It would be a wonderful change to have the place looking clean when I get home for once… I think my goal for now will be to try and be more grateful for what I do have though.

The little things that make up life are what mean the most though, and I have to say just looking at my tea kettle in it’s spot on the tiny stove is one of my small joys. Our kitchen is small, but it is enough.

And I never thought I would be the one to say that my favorite room in the apartment is the bathroom! But I find it such a calming space. Maybe because it is so small and the most minimal room that we have… There are only really three rooms in the whole apartment: the bathroom, the bedroom, and the living room/kitchen is one space. Unlike me, my fiance is not what anyone would call minimalist. So our rooms share our things, and sometimes his things take over a bit. And that’s okay. It might set my nerves on edge at times but I can’t force him to be minimalist. I can only do for myself. But the bathroom at least there isn’t a lot of stuff to be had in there, and little there is can be hidden behind the mirror or the shower curtain (which, by the way, I really love!). My mom helped me pick out most of the things in the bathroom, so that might be another reason I enjoy the space. And just looking at the mandalas on the curtain in those calming earth colors makes me happy.

I had said I would redo my minimalist in progress series when this happened, but now I am not sure that I will. I mean, I would like to… but on the one hand I am starting to see some of the items as shared, and I am not sure how to ‘categorize’ them… And on the other hand I keep telling myself that I have to wait until all my possessions are in one location. But as of right now I do still have some things at my parent’s house that I keep trying to go through but don’t make a lot of progress… I have my storage things down to: one long flat plastic bin on notebooks/papers from college, one shorter flat plastic container with glass jars for the day I have space to actually can things, one three drawer plastic bin with art/sewing supplies in, and three large plastic tubs filled with random things/books, along with two dresser drawers of clothes (although those I will probably just keep so that I have extra clothing when I come home)… And I won’t move all that here since we don’t have much space to store things. I just want to get to the point where everything is in one spot… I guess we will see. Every time I go home I try to work on it a little bit more. I want just really want to be able to be at the point where my stuff is all in one place and I can say “This is IT!”. I guess that can be another goal for this year! But I do try to keep in mind all the crazy progress I have made. It really does blow my mind how much stuff I actually had!

Another new project I have started is to finally get around to making a budget worksheet. So far mine is starting out less of a specific budget and more of a “here is where the money I am spending actually goes and here is how much I am bringing in”… So a pretty simple budget. But it is a start. And at least I don’t have much going in or out so it isn’t too difficult. I hope it gives me a way to keep track and stay focused with my minimal funds.

So yeah, I guess that is all for now. Things have been a bit down but hopefully they start going back up. I hope the sunnier weather will also aide in this! Hopefully post more soon!

MIP: Update!

Long time no post! Truth be told I had written a post back in December which somehow got lost to the mysteries of the internet when it did not save after I had clearly hit ‘Save Draft’ and honestly since then I just kept feeling so frustrated about loosing it that I didn’t want to write anything else! (In my defense, I thought it was a really good post and I am still a bit sad that it is now lost)… And I have also been struggling with work- ever since my last post the hours have just dwindled down- right now I am only work 6 hours a week. Which, let’s be honest, is not enough to live on or pay off student loans with… So that has been difficult to deal with. It isn’t my favorite job but it was still a job. I like working and having a sense of purpose. And I want to pay off my debt!

But for the good news- last month my fiance and I got an apartment! So I was rather busy for awhile! And I didn’t know where to start with making a post on the blog!

So now here I am… This is a mess of a post but at least it is something and maybe it will get me to update again soon. I really want to post some pictures of the place but have the need for it to be clean when I take them haha! So the big update is that I am planning on re-doing my ‘Minimalist in Progress’ series to reflect this move. But it will probably be halted a little bit because I want to be more finished when I start again. I took a lot of things from my room in my parent’s house but still have some things there. I want to be able to go through and at least have the rest of my stuff allocated to their own different destinies- what I want to keep/store at home, what I want to donate/sell, and what I want to get rid of. So until that process is done or at least almost finished I will hold off on MIP. I want MIP to reflect honestly and not ignore all the stuff that I do still have at home and pretend it doesn’t count, because it does.

I would like to write a post about apartment living though, and maybe about the move… Although, honestly, I could sum it up as follows: Moving is a hell of a lot easier with less stuff. Haha.

I am trying to be happy with how things are going. Sometimes it is hard because life isn’t perfect. I still have my college loans to pay off. I work shitty hours barely making $50 a week… But I try to remind myself of the positives, like even though I did owe almost $30,000 in loans, I have at least paid off $8,000 of that, and my parent’s loaned me another $6,000 that they said I can pay them back later with no interest after I pay off the $15,000 or so that is left. Even if I have nothing else in my bank account at least I still have my $1,000 emergency fund. See? Trying to stay positive. It is still a daunting task but I am going to do my best. And if I am staying positive, at least I have learned a lot from what happened. I learned the power of debt and how awful it is to be in it. Minimalist and Buddhism taught me to be happy with what I already have, that I don’t need more things to be happy- and therefore don’t need to spend my money on more things. And I am happier on a whole I think. I have my days of feeling anxious or depressed, but I think I have improved on myself so much.

I have made a lot of progress in less than a year and I really can’t believe how much it changed my life. The past month of apartment living has also been interesting and a first- living on our -relative- own. We still live across the street from M’s parents, which is sometimes frustrating but it is a good stepping stone for him. And it does at least give us some space. We have been spending a lot less money on food because we know we can’t waste money like that anymore. So I have been enjoying cooking meals- not so much cleaning up after them though haha. It might be a rather small apartment but is cozy and has what we need. I keep telling him that if we can be happy here we can be happy anywhere. And on the job front I just had a phone interview today and it went well enough that I am going to go in for an in-person interview next week. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t, but I am trying and am hopeful. If nothing else I am working on trying to learn that the job is not me. Thinking having a good job makes me a good person is an attachment I want to let go of, because I can’t let so much of my self-worth depend on that. Even if I found the perfect job nothing is secure forever. For some reason it is very hard to let go of my belief that my self-worth depends on my job, maybe it is our work focused culture or maybe it is something else, but I am working on it.

So, yeah, to sum it up things are going okay. It is really nice having our own apartment. Still freaking out about loan and job situation but trying to stay positive. Andddd will hopefully post again soon! With pretty pictures next time too! Hope everyone is doing well ❤

Minimalist Holiday: The G-Word

Well, it seems that Christmas (for those who celebrate it) has come and gone. So I just wanted to write a post about how my holiday went and ruminate a bit on the dreaded G-word to a minimalist: Gifts. And getting and giving them.

For the latter, I really pared down the gifts that I gave this year. I recall spending at least $200 on gifts, maybe even more, last year. I definitely spent way more than I should have. As much as I love getting things for many of my friends and multiple things for my family and fiance I just know that I cannot afford it. Not to mention it is a bit hard when you are a minimalist who asks not to be given many things because you realize the detriment of having more, yet buying more things for others would subject them to that, even though they may not see things the same way you do. If that makes sense haha…

So this year I bought my family each one gift and one small snack like candy/gum- my dad loves the old fashioned classic Dentyne gum, which is increasingly hard to find, so I was happy when I found something little like that for him. I was happy just being able to spend time with two of my friends right before the holiday, I guess my gift was my time and my being the driving pilot and getting them a discount with the one store we shopped at. For my fiance I still did spend a bit more and got him around 6 gifts, but still pared down a lot from last year. I really did not spend that much this year, less than $40 of my own money. I paid for a lot of things with store credit from my work by bringing in lot of my old stuff to get rid of. That still costs something, but I am glad I could trade in things I don’t use much for something small to bring joy to someone else.

And you know what? Nobody died of sheer horror or grief at only getting one present or nothing at all. This year I really focused on trying to enjoy the time spent with loved ones. And I have to tell you- I really did enjoy the holidays more for it. Getting to spend a day with friends that I haven’t seen in months was wonderful, as was having my family over for dinner and finally getting to see them for the first time since maybe around August! I also had a nice time seeing my grandmother the following day. I won’t forget my dad getting his old baritone horn out and me trying to play for the first time and all the laughter that followed. And getting to go to the movies with him, and then the day after that going out shopping with my mom. Although shopping is a bit counter-intuitive to minimalism, I know my mom enjoys it and I really was just happy to spend time with her. And she bought me some new clothes to replace some of the other stuff that I was getting rid of (I joke with her that i wouldn’t have any new clothes without her!). And then later that evening strolling around the historic city nearby with my fiance and seeing all the pretty tree lights and old buildings, followed by eating dinner in a fancy Italian restaurant and splurging a bit on good food. And then just relaxing in bed yesterday. Non of these events were extremely extravagant or event worthy, but they were still wonderful and meant much more than just getting more stuff.

I did receive some gifts of course, and I am grateful for what I was given. The pile is definitely a lot less than what it had been in previous years! I am grateful I did not get more (never thought I would see the day where I said that about Christmas! haha!) and will either use or donate what I got. If it is something that I will treasure or use then I will, and it if is not then I will donate it to someone who will. I hope next year I will get even less gifts and instead just have more time with loved ones and enjoy what is really important ❤ Sorry Santa!

I hope everyone else enjoyed their holidays, or at least the weekend 🙂

Minimalist Holiday: Working Retail

I suppose this seems to be a contradiction- working in retail and being a minimalist… But unfortunately, this is the predicament I find myself to be in. Being $30,000 in debt from college and not being able to find a ‘good’ job is tough. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I am not the most confident / outgoing person around, often struggling with social anxiety issues and just don’t have the great connections to lead to a great job. All I feel I have is my friendly personality and a car sometimes. So after many attempts to get a job elsewhere, I tried retail. And let me tell you, it is even more depressing when you don’t get a call back- and that happened to me most of the time. So when I finally did get a call back and was hired, it at least lifted my spirits up for the time being.

For the most part I don’t hate my retail job. I like that the company is more ‘green’ and doesn’t use plastic bags, and a big part of the business is taking in people’s used/pre-loved items. I really do like that. What I don’t like is the pushing that is done as a cashier. You are supposed to up sell items, totes, and get emails. Not to mention promos that are done. So rather than just be friendly with a customer and ring out their order, I must constantly recite the same speech in my pathetic attempt at being a sales person. Which I am definitely not. I don’t want to push people to buy more things or sell them crap I know they don’t need.

Other downsides include working on the holidays. Don’t believe that all retail workers who work on the holidays ‘volunteered’ to be there. Bullshit. I am sure some of them did and were happy to have the extra income with holiday pay, and that is great for them. But not all of us volunteer and are still scheduled to work. I definitely did not want to work Thanksgiving. I wanted to spend time with my family. But no, instead I am stuck at work with an almost empty store. Do I want to be working until 8 pm Christmas Eve and miss my fiance’s family’s Christmas get together? Certainly not. But I don’t have much choice. Sure some people might say you can just quit, but when you don’t have any other income and are barely scraping by to begin with? Makes it a bit more complicated than that. I am thankful that at least I have Christmas and the two days after it off and can finally spend some time with my family, whom I have only seem once in the past month and a half. And that’s not how I want to spend my life, only seeing my loved ones that small amount of time.

Dealing with people in retail also tends to lessen your faith in humanity a little bit.

Seeing all the garbage people buy that you know is all just a waste is also very hard to ignore.

I’m not sure where I was going with this post… I would’ve liked it to be more well thought out and written, but clearly I failed with that.

Right now I am just having a hard time myself. I feel pointless. I worry about my loans and about finding another job. But I am just tired of looking and finding nothing…

But I guess that is why I became a minimalist- I don’t want to be tied to this system. I wish I had never had those loans, but the fact is that I do and I know I need to pay them off. I will suffer now to lessen the pain later. I will work at a job I dislike to get that weight off my shoulders. Minimalism has showed me that I have what I need to get by and I don’t need extra stuff to fill that space. That I am enough. Someday I will find an occupation that isn’t in conflict with that, but at least for now my job does some good and is helping me work towards my goal.

hmmm what to end with?

I would say that if you do brave the shopping malls and stores before the holidays- or any time really- be kind to the workers who are there.